I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
You Might Also Like
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Home #decor warning.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet