If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
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Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.