I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.