me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
an airline just for babies.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher