I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
never ask a starfish for directions
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me