This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?