Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Just had my nails done!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore