A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.