All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
You Might Also Like
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance