Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW