Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Help Wanted
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit