“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips