*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer