If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.