If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Happy thanksgiving
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.