If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
You Might Also Like
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT