If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*candy crush request*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
10. That sound the modems made
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.