Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.