My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Message from the dog groomers
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle