An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do