true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
You Might Also Like
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Miscakes
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack