Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
motivation
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Thursday Thought.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
hmmm
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch