I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Favourite diary entry ever
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.