Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*checks Timeline*…
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw