Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Livid.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.