Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
that’s really how it is
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer