you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.