friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Somebody call the cops.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Has there ever been a more American story?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.