This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
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Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
i did the math
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?