My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’m calling the cops.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”