That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
You Might Also Like
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Smile they said.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.