[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
lmfao come on
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”