This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Damn what did I do next
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.