“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Breaking news:
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.