Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Order here:
More here:
There is no “ea” in Tim.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
A Short Story.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.