sir, my pâté if you please
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
My new favorite headline
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.