[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.