There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
They’re on their honeymoon
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.