Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Lol.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.