FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.