Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Easy enough.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please