My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”