Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
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Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you