Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
The happy life.. 😊
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
How software testing works
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?