Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo