Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Most fashion shows these days…
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”