Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago