9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
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Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Living the best life.. 😊
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?