Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!