People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
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Good morning.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.