WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.