Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
You Might Also Like
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
when you order from DoorDastardly
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!