4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
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I…do not understand how electricity works.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
giddy up Office Depot
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*