Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
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Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar